I sit here and want to shout it to the world that He is great and holy and mighty and AMAZING, and I feel this burning passion inside of me to proclaim His name. Yet nothing really satisfies that flame. I find myself wanting nothing but him and nothing but to praise His name, and I wonder if this is what heaven is like. We will only want to praise Him and be in His glory. Nothing else will even come close. I could speak words all day long that show my knowledge and amazement, yet NONE of them would suffice. Nothing I am capable of saying will truly give Him the honor and glory He deserves. But I can't help but try. Because my soul gives me no other option.
I crave fellowship with real, genuine Christians. My soul wants to have like-minded souls to connect with. Who really get it. Who really desire Jesus more than anything. People who read His Word because if they don't, they feel empty. Oh, the time I've wasted trying to hold together relationships that were all wrong for me, all the while desperately hoping for people who shared my conviction. Hoping for people who really know what it means to walk the journey with someone and really bear burdens, no matter how dark. I'm tired of testing friendships with the world's standards and I'm tired of wishing. If it's going to happen, it's going to have to start with me. I have to step out and deepen the relationships He's clearly given me. I have to be willing to abandon all for Him, and part of that is abandoning my fears. Complete freedom within the body of Christ is the goal. It's possible if we go after it. There are no walls holding us back! There is complete freedom where the Spirit of the Lord is!
When I think about the trials I've endured, I KNOW He's allowed it all to bring me to Him. To put me flat on my face before him so I would really long for him. There have been times, at rock bottom, when I've been so alone and the only one I could cry out to was him. It's those times that made me love Him so deeply. And now, on the other side, I do know what it means in James 1 to rejoice in trials! He really is my everything, my foundation, and He permeates my life. Completely. I don't even know who I am anymore because He's so completely altered my thinking and my life. My story needs to be told because it brings such glory to Him. I want the people I love to know what He's done.
"But if I say, 'I will not mention His word or speak anymore in His name,' His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I CANNOT."
I sent these thoughts to a couple of friends, and they both told me that I needed to publish them. While I hesitated because they seem rambly and unorganized to me, maybe they will meet you where you are and bring encouragement today. Glory to God!