I turn and walk away, seething with annoyed frustration at the laziness I've just witnessed.
I'll just do it myself.
If I don't do it, it won't get done.
And in that moment I've done two things, just like she pointed out in chapter 5. One, I've pridefully decided that I am irreplaceable, and two, I have decided that God doesn't want to use anyone else other than me.
"Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone?" (Luke 10:40 NASB)
What if God means to use someone other than me to fulfill His plans? What if someone else needs a blessing? Or a lesson? And here I am, my own modern version of Martha, looking at my Savior and telling Him to get Mary to help me!
Lately, He's spoken to me about defeat and my need to be the best, yet I find that He is not done with me. Today, He shouts to me that I am carrying pride heavy on my back. And it's keeping me from Him. Honestly, I don't want to hear it because I know it will mean more change. After a year of so much change, I'm not sure I'm ready for more! I am feeling like Eustace in his dragon skin more and more these days, and even though I've read the end of the book and I know that all my ripping and tearing is in vain, I can't seem to stop myself! I want to tear it off before He does; then it won't hurt as much.
Maybe I'm afraid to let Him tear off my skin.
Afraid of what's underneath.
Of the sin that's stored there.
My Lord bids me to come and lay it all down, and while I want to, I find that I cannot. My hands grip strong and my heart beats stubborn. I insist on my pride without wanting to, and while it's easy to blame it on my sinful nature, I know He's rescued me from that prison. He's already won that battle, if only I am willing to put down my own tarnished sword and let Him fight for me.
"O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me." (Psalm 30:2)
"In my anguish, I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free." (Psalm 118:5)
No matter how much I search, I cannot seem to find the verse that says I can heal myself.
So here I stand, needing the new and wanting the change.
Yet fighting it all the same.
Yet I will surrender my Martha heart and beg Him for the change.
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever- DO NOT ABANDON THE WORKS OF YOUR HANDS." (Psalm 138:8)
#422 Visits from Mom
#423 Nights of crickets
#428 Allergy medicine
#432 When the words flow
#433 Standing outside in the storm
#434 Lightning as bright as day
#435 Courage to change
#436 Release of chains in the life of a friend
#437 Phone calls
#440 Smell of bacon cooking