Deep into the recesses of my mind she stands alone, her image becoming more and more murky.
Somewhere amongst the Bible reading, scripture memorizing, and song singing, she fled.
When things started getting uncomfortable and painful, she turned and ran hard.
This precious Savior of mine, this God who loves and gives undeserved grace freely, brought me to my knees in surrender, and she left for good.
"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." (Isaiah 43:19 ESV)
I remember the exact moment when everything changed. It was summer, during the hot and sunny southern days, when I first felt the struggle. After months of His growing a desire for His Word in my heart, I was firmly faced with a decision. It was job-related, but now, looking back, I realize that it was not about the job at all; my God was asking me if I was willing to surrender to His will for my life.
There were moments I just wanted to give it all up and stop caring. It was too much to imagine- this change. It would mean giving up things very dear to me, and at the time, I wasn't willing to do it. I wanted my own way, for surely I knew best, right?
So I prepared to go. I was determined to leave it all behind rather than surrender. Oh, but thank God that He gives grace and saves us from ourselves! I can still remember the scene. My stuff on one side of the room and theirs on the other. Ready to pack and throw into the trunk of my car.
And I felt the tears coming on strong.
I wanted to get away.
We traveled to a place hours away, a place I could forget all of it. And my dearest friend let me be sad and wrestle with it. I needed the wrestle this time, and she knew it. The middle of the week brought the answer. I remember that moment; it's still so clear in my mind's eye. The message that came changed my heart. The message that brought the tears and pain. The words that pushed me straight to God.
And I knew I was free.
Free to run forward and leave myself behind.
"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119:32 NIV)
I basked in that scripture for weeks. "...for you have set my heart free!" Free from the bondage of self and free from fear. It was that scripture that began a journey. A journey to the here and now and a journey that continues long past today. I am running hard to my Savior, and I'm free!
Abandoned to Him.
Surrendered to whatever He's planned for me.
I am not the girl I was ten months ago. That girl who ruled my existence for years is gone. And she's not coming back. Ever.
So much grace!!!
#411 High school students who teach my class so I can work
#413 God's changing of a heart toward purity
#416 Spring Break!!!
#418 New worship music
#419 Sunny afternoon to read outside
#421 New friends who immediately feel like dear sisters