It sits on the table, staring at me and shouting, "Hey! Pick me up!" And every time, I cover my ears and run from the room, not ready to go there yet. Not ready to hear its words and face the truth about this "good girl." I know what that book will do to me- it will make me uncover years of thing swept under rugs, things better left in the dark, dusty corners. The things I don't want to remember or fix.
Who I really am is better left undiscovered.
Then this sweet friend says she'll buy the book too and we can read it together and talk about it and it will change our lives and, oh my, really?! Am I really going to have to crack open the safe that so carefully held my secrets? Do I really have to read it? Am I ready?
And so, in spite of my temper tantrums and screaming, I agree. I agree to read these words that I just know will pierce my soul and force me to stand face-to-face with the good girl living behind this smiling face of "I'm fine, how are you?" Maybe it will be easier without having to walk alone.
As so perfectly predicted, the first words knock me flat on my back, all the breath pushed out.
"God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another." -William Shakespeare, Hamlet
I want to close the book and hide.
"I desperately want to manage your opinion of me."
Oh, so desperately...
"Good means I never mess up."
Well, of course it does! Right???
"All he wants is simply you- minus your good works, minus your perfect attendance, minus your politeness."
Do I even know that person?
Thirty-seven pages have seeped into my heart and I read slow. Deliberate. I still want to run and hide, but He calls me back every time. He bids me to come back and read. This one who wants simply me asks me to come and find out who that girl is. Who she is without the perfection and organization and to-do lists and sweet smile and always-listening. Without the doing and performing and pleasing.
And so I turn the page, to thirty-eight, and my wary eyes begin to touch the soul-searching words...
Counting gifts today-
#375- days off to recover
#378- warm blankets
#380- Thin Mints from the freezer!
#383- emails of encouragement
#384- new books
#391- reading next to napping husband