I shy away from connection that brings even the slightest bit of discomfort.
Often I am running from eye contact, for fear that you will see straight into my sinful soul.
And what you'll find there, well, it probably isn't very pretty.
Fearful of your reaction, what you'll think of me, the real thoughts that won't ever escape from your lips...
When we do become friends, real and true ones, our relationship will have deep roots.
You will find loyalty from me, and it will take much to sever our ties.
I will write to you and give you warm hugs and smile big when I see you and talk to other people about how great you are.
But my inconsistency is great.
On the one hand, I desire vulnerable connection, but on the other, I stand stubborn and firm behind my wall.
Most of the time, I feel more safe hidden behind my wall than I do with you.
Convinced that I am the only one who could really know this girl and still accept her, I believe the lie that I don't really need anyone.
The bottom line is this: I am afraid to find what I really need.
Afraid of the possible pain, the betrayal that's plagued me in the past, and most of all- the critical rejection that I'm certain I will face.
When did I start believing these lies?
Oh, it was long, long ago.
Those many years ago, when I was struggling to figure out who I was...
But I let others decide for me.
Young girls who had but one agenda- themselves, and boys who gave no thought to feelings of others, only the laugh- they are the ones who taught me how to hide.
To shy away from love.
They sang their song to me day after day, the melody loud--
"Why can't you just let go and have some fun?"
You are not good enough.
And I believed every word.
I lived it then.
I live it now.
The song of people long-gone from my life rings in my head and I realize I know this voice.
It's the same voice that tells me today that I'm too shy for that job or too ugly for those women or too awkward to speak to that group.
The voice is that of the serpent in the garden, not shouting, but whispering his lies.
You are not good enough.
It's the age-old song that's been slithering from his tongue for generations.
Did God really say...?
And I am Eve, standing by the Tree, wondering if he's right.
But as I stand, trying to make sense of it all, I hear another voice, much louder and sweeter than the first.
He tells me that I'm right; I am not good enough!
But He is.
I am lovely in His eyes because I am His beloved, full of grace.
The song of the deceiver screeches to a sudden halt and I am whisked away on the wings of my Savior.
He touches my face and I hear only His song now.
My heart sings harmony and I am ready to love, with a real love that can't be shaken, because it's His love.