Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Not Good Enough

I don't make friends easily...
I shy away from connection that brings even the slightest bit of discomfort.
Often I am running from eye contact, for fear that you will see straight into my sinful soul.
And what you'll find there, well, it probably isn't very pretty.
Fearful of your reaction, what you'll think of me, the real thoughts that won't ever escape from your lips...

When we do become friends, real and true ones, our relationship will have deep roots.
You will find loyalty from me, and it will take much to sever our ties.
I will write to you and give you warm hugs and smile big when I see you and talk to other people about how great you are.

But my inconsistency is great.
On the one hand, I desire vulnerable connection, but on the other, I stand stubborn and firm behind my wall.
Most of the time, I feel more safe hidden behind my wall than I do with you.
Convinced that I am the only one who could really know this girl and still accept her, I believe the lie that I don't really need anyone.
The bottom line is this: I am afraid to find what I really need.
Afraid of the possible pain, the betrayal that's plagued me in the past, and most of all- the critical rejection that I'm certain I will face.

When did I start believing these lies?
Oh, it was long, long ago.
Those many years ago, when I was struggling to figure out who I was...
But I let others decide for me.
Young girls who had but one agenda- themselves, and boys who gave no thought to feelings of others, only the laugh- they are the ones who taught me how to hide.
To shy away from love.
They sang their song to me day after day, the melody loud--
"You're fat."
"You're ugly."
"Why can't you just let go and have some fun?"

You are not good enough.

And I believed every word.
I lived it then.
I live it now.

The song of people long-gone from my life rings in my head and I realize I know this voice.
It's the same voice that tells me today that I'm too shy for that job or too ugly for those women or too awkward to speak to that group.
The voice is that of the serpent in the garden, not shouting, but whispering his lies.

You are not good enough.

It's the age-old song that's been slithering from his tongue for generations.

Did God really say...?

And I am Eve, standing by the Tree, wondering if he's right.
But as I stand, trying to make sense of it all, I hear another voice, much louder and sweeter than the first.
He tells me that I'm right; I am not good enough!

But He is.

I am lovely in His eyes because I am His beloved, full of grace.
The song of the deceiver screeches to a sudden halt and I am whisked away on the wings of my Savior.
He touches my face and I hear only His song now.
My heart sings harmony and I am ready to love, with a real love that can't be shaken, because it's His love.


Tara_pohlkottepress said...

oh sister friend, you are beautiful. you are fierce. you are fufilled. rest in the knowledge that you were designed to be you. On purpose {that's the part that always gets me :) } .  Know that others, including myself fight this lie. that voice. oh, you matter.

Ro elliott said...

i love your honest heart...I actually can relate to much of this...just was telling my husband the other night...i still believe lies...pressing in know myself through His love...
Blessings as we walk in His Love for us...

Jamie H said...

I could have written this post myself, though perhaps not as lovely as you have.  I identify completely and understand how you feel.

Michele-Lyn Ault said...

What is it about us always contending with such insecurity... I know it too well, and the hiding too. It took a Lion and a Lamb to draw me out... to trust in His love enough, to trust Him to be the Guardian of my soul... I am still learning... man will always fail me, but He never will... and to offer myself without the promise of love in return... (Hinds Feet on High Places~by Hannah Hurnard... many years ago helped me with this... 

Blessings to you, my friend.

messymarriage said...

I love the line, "I am not good enough ... but He is!" That's an unchanging truth that no one can take away from you or me. We are His beautiful Bride that no one can diminish with harsh words. Beautiful vulnerability here, Katie. If I was in your neck of the woods, I think I'd like you a lot! :)

Hazel Moon said...

It is time to sing a NEW song the one that says, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH ! because you are the daughter of the King and you are chosen, beautiful, and special.  I laughed when I say your title, because that was my title for the One Word Carnival.  Not as Good As others.  This link takes you directly there.  You are Loved!!

Nikki said...

Oh,'s their loss and His gain. To God be the glory!
you spill your heart so well...pure beauty.
(glad you linked up to Painting prose)
Love you!

Dayle said...

If you look in the mirror every day and say, "I am loved. I am beautiful. I am good enough," you will be speaking God's truth, and that's the only truth that matters.

Tracy said...

Hi Katie - your vulnerability will speak volumes to someone going through what you have gone through.  And it so true that no matter what anyone said in the past, and how it has affected you up until this point, His love is true and nothing, nothing, will take His love and acceptance away from you.  Great post.  Thank you too for linking up with me.  I look forward to seeing you there again next week and I pray that anyone who needs to be encouraged by this, will pop over and read!!!
God bless

kd sullivan said...

This could be an essay written by me about friendship!  I so understand your perspective.  May we let Him call us accepted and open our heart to more and so much more.

Joan Davis said...

It is easy to slip into the enemy's trap and believe his lies.  But, we are created in God's image and are precious in His sight! I am so thankful for God's love!  I recently wrote a post about friendship and the struggle it can be to feel accepted, so this post really hit home.  Blessings!

Katrina said...

Beautiful truth!

Shelly said...

Katie, I am so sorry for the wounding you received by the painful words of others as a young woman. I have a teenage daughter who is a shy introvert, so your words hit close to home. But that last paragraph, it is beautiful. Paints a majestic picture of rescue and love over you by our heavenly Father.

Wolfsrosebud said...

that deceiver just doesn't want to let go... we're made in God's image... and that's that


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