Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Cherished Sin

A lovely talk with a lovely friend.
Words about our weekends.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
As the conversation drifts toward sin, I feel myself wanting to shrink back.
Uh oh; it's about to get real here.
And I'm face-to-face.  
Nowhere to hide.

I'm one of those people who doesn't sin openly.
I'm a good girl, you know.
When you ask how I'm doing, you'll get the usual, "Fine, how are you?"
Even if I'm not...
No, my sins are hidden deep within.
And honestly, I've spent my whole life believing I was better off that way.
After all, I'm not like those people, right?
I would never do that!

This friend's nature is more rebellious than mine.
She struggles with open sin.
And I struggle to understand.
All the while thinking...
At least I'm not like that.

Two hours later...

God forgive me, I've got it all wrong!
As if I'm better because I hide my wrongdoings.
As if I'm more holy...

You can't see my sin.
I hide it well.
Behind the smiles and the "fines" and the accomplishments.
But it's there...
Deep in my heart.

You see, I don't want you to see my sin.
I want to keep it all inside.
Vulnerability is too hard.
It's too real.
It's all better left tucked away, ignored.

Yet, the Psalmist says, "Search me O God, and know my heart" (Psalm 139:23a NIV84)

Sin that is left unseen digs deeper into our souls, poisoning our hearts, root by bitter root.
I don't share it.
I hold onto it.
I cherish it.

"If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and hear my voice in prayer." (Psalm 66:18-19 NIV84)

And He speaks to me, in hushed tones at first, but louder as time goes by.
He pleads with me to let Him cut deep, down to the roots, and kill the sin I harbor there.
My redeemer hears my heart prayers and He heals.
He removes my sin, despite the pain I feel.
I'm Eustace Clarence Scrubb, shedding the dragon skin.
And it hurts...
Pain necessary to live...

My sin at the foot of the cross; ugliness displayed for my Savior to see.
My heart to heal.
My soul to redeem.

Do you struggle with hiding your sin?  What sins do you cherish?  Please share!


Sarah Nutter said...

Kaite--how often do I hide my sin!! Ahh I totally hear you. It's way too easy to cover it all up and pretend it's fine...and then we start to believe we're fine...enter: pride...

Yup. I hear you. Thanks for this great (convicting) reminder!

Nikki said...

Oh, yes. I know how to hide well. I've mastered the art of camouflage.
But God sees my dirt. the good, the bad, and the ever so ugly...
and slowly and surely, I'm learning to let others see me, too. For we each have a story to tell. maybe mine would bless someone else? that, to me, is worth looking ever so ugly for. I can do that. For Him...

Lovely post, Katie!


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