Thursday, January 26, 2012

Grace for... Myself?

A misspelled word in an email.
A Facebook post that isn't linking up correctly.
A misunderstood comment.

A hair out of place, a lack of remembering, a this, a that, a something else...

Harshly, I beat myself up for the seemingly constant imperfections.  
The almosts and the not-quites.
Missing the mark.
The attempts at perfection that fail.

They haunt me, stress me, worry me.
I wear them as chains around my neck, but hidden from the world.
They cut...deep.
I am left struggling to redeem and it chokes the life out of me, stealing my joy.

Do I expect perfection from those whom I love?
Truly, I do not.Yet I have convinced myself that perfection is expected of me!
I have no room for grace...for myself.
I give it freely but I stand defiant, with closed fist, refusing to receive it.

Measure up.
Fulfill expectations.
Always perform well.

Yes, I am one of those.
I am a good girl.
I bleed attempts and failures and errors, and grace is my only bandage.



But I refuse this grace.
This grace freely given...


Reliance on self comes to the forefront and settles in for dinner and a movie...and a lifetime.
Winning the affections of others is my battle cry, and I charge!
And end up flat on my face.


Lying there, in the dirt, I repeat it over and over...
Be you.
Accept grace.
It's ok to mess up...


"...and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags..." (Isaiah 64:6)


And so I continue on this quest to stop trying so hard to be a good girl and just be His girl.


What about you?  Do you struggle with missing the mark?  How have you allowed His grace to wash over you?



4 comments:

Annie said...

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, I do. I struggled, a ton, in the midst of a rough week, to just let the little things go. To not feel like a failure on account of my not being able to pull it all together. It sounds crazy to say out loud how these little things make such a huge impact on how I see myself, and others, but they do. I'm slowly learning the gift breathing out the stress, the failures, the ache, and breathing in grace again.

Alexandra Anne said...

Are our standards for perfection human based or God based?
We want to be "good" but so often that is by human standards. If we focus on being "His" girls, then we will truly be good! Only with Him.

Nikki said...

Oh Katie. I know this well. and sadly, I'm good at it, too. But I'm striving to keep practicing. And I know by God's grace, I shall overcome. as will you. ;)

Monica said...

I struggle with this myself...more than I would like to admit, sometimes. It is relatively easy for me to extend grace to others, but when I fail I allow my shortcomings wear me down. I refuse to extend grace to myself. I am learning to trust God and to be kinder and more forgiving to myself, though it takes much intention.

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