I Want to be the Best (Confessions of a Good Girl)

Ahem.
I have an announcement to make:

I want to be the best.

The best teacher, the best friend, the best Christian.
The best everything.
And when someone is better than me, my inner three year old comes out again (She sure is around a lot these days, isn't she?) and my heart throws a fit.
This desire for being the best fuels my drive for perfection, my need to perform.
Second-best just isn't a viable option for me.
There is no room for mistakes.

Today I found myself fighting jealousy because I was not the best one.
I stood in the corner and sulked (with an "I'm fine" smile on my face of course, because that's what all good girls do) while someone else got the praise.
For being the best.

"Anything I do to get life and identity outside of Christ is an idol, even service to Christ." (Grace for the Good Girl, p. 65)

As I looked upon this scene of not-for-me praise, I found myself thinking of ways I could make them like me more.

"Obviously, I am not trying to win the approval of people, but of God.  If please people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant." (Galatians 1:10 NLT)


Oh really, Paul?  Obviously you don't know me very well.
Because I AM trying to win the approval of people.
And I AM Christ's servant.
I am.... right?

How can I reconcile these two?
How can I stop desiring the praise of men and only the perfection of Christ?
When will I stop wanting to be the best in everyone else's eyes except those of my Savior?

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." (Colossians 3:23 NLT)

for the Lord rather than for people


Satan loves to whisper his lies in my ear.
He tells me that if I'm not the best in the eyes of those around me, then I am no good.
That I'm not performing and I need to work harder, check off more things on the list, add more responsibilities.
He tries to make me believe that those things will assure that I am the best,
which will make me happy,
thus removing my dependence and need for God.

"Good means I never mess up." (Grace for the Good Girl, p.25)

And here I am again.
Exactly where he wants me.

"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." (I Peter 5:8-9)

I've gotten it all twisted around, and I've convinced myself that performance equals holiness.

"But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy." (1 Peter 1:15 NLT)


Be holy, not perfect!
Be holy, not praised.
Be holy, not the best.


He calls me to a higher standard, but not one placed upon me by people.
It's the highest standard I can reach.
To be like Him.
That's all He asks.
And the only way I can reach that impossible standard is through His grace alone.
Oh, how I need that grace...
If only I would stop striving and just rest.

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens (who try to be the best), and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart (just like I want you to be), and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." (Matthew 11:28-30 NLT)

Soaring Above the Storm

It's a stormy day here in the South.

One of those typical early spring days where we spend hours watching the radars and sitting in our "safe places."  (By the way, 180 students makes for a very small-feeling safe place!)  But on this day, I found myself outside in the yard, staring at the sky.  I love watching storms roll in.  The dark clouds, the rumbles of thunder in the distance- it gives me a sense of wonder and awe at Creator God.  As I smell that completely wonderful smell that spring storms bring, I notice the hawks over the cove.  They're soaring fast and free, and I think about how wonderful it must be high in their sky.

When storms come, they don't hide.
When storms come, they don't try to fly against the winds.  Instead, they are still and let the winds carry them.
When storms come, they don't look up at God and ask why the weather is so terrible.

They trust.
They trust because they know that every other storm has always become calm, and every windy day has led to a sunny one.
They trust that nature will act as it always does, according to the patterns it's been assigned.

And then... there's my dog.
My precious 8-year old dog who is terrified of storms.
She's learned that when the sky lights, thunder is coming, and she immediately begins to shake.
The loud noises and heavy rains make her heart race with fear, and she runs to hide in the bedroom.

I've decided that we're dogs and not hawks.

We worry.
We fear.
We hide.

And somewhere along the way we've learned to look to the heavens and ask why the storms come.
We find ourselves (sometimes angrily) questioning the bad weather in our lives.
We find ourselves without trust as we try to fly against the winds in our own strength.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather soar above the storm than hide in the bedroom shaking.

I know my Savior brings the storm clouds, and I know He loves me.  These two things are not mutually exclusive.  He brings storms AND He loves me.  And because He loves me perfectly, He brings the storms to build my character.

So I will spread my wings and soar, trusting Him to protect me and cover me with His love.

"But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31 NLT)


~~~

Always counting...
#395 NICU nurses
#396 Newborn holding my finger
#397 New friends I can encourage
#401 Nights to sing loud
#402 "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me!"
#404 Brainstorming sessions with freshmen
#407 A day of texting with a new friend
#408 Thunder clouds and wind
#409 Dinner with best friends
#410 Rocking baby to sleep

Aching for the Wrong Things [FMF]

It's Five Minute Friday.  Today's topic- Ache


~~~
The ache in her heart is strong and real.
She longs for something more, something she just can't seem to reach, no matter how high on her tiptoes she stands.
Her hands far above her head, she stretches tall.
But she finds that in all her trying, the ache remains.

Aching for more, for perfection.
Seeking protection in the doing, the checking the boxes, the performing.

If only she could make the ache go away.
She knows her ache should be for Jesus alone, in His grace, but her sinful nature shouts loud.
To surrender is to give up control, and she knows this will pain her deeply.

This change that He demands.
The giving up of self so that He can fill the ache.
It's all worth it though, right?

Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with You.-  (Tenth Avenue North)

He Won't Relent

He stands before me and I see tears brimming.
Oh, he's fighting them hard, but they're winning the battle.
"Can I have an extension?"
And I'm struggling with words and a lump in my throat, not sure of where this road will lead.
"No, I'm sorry.  It's still due Friday."
He hides his face behind the pages, shoulders dropping with a sigh.
"It's impossible then."
And there it is.
That familiar friend.
Defeat.

It's not good enough.
It's got to be redone.
He has to start over.


And it's killing every bit of his 14-year old spirit.

And although my heart is filled with compassion, I know that I cannot relent.
This is building character.
This is forming courage.
This is for life.


"That's why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ's mighty power that works within me."  (Colossians 1:29 NLT)


How many times have I hidden my face, tears forming in my eyes, crying out to my God?

"It's impossible!"


When I mess up, make mistakes, and have to start all over, I know that feeling of defeat and the heaviness it brings.  I want it all to work perfectly the first time, and actually I want it to work perfectly every time!

As soon as the "I can'ts" overtake the "I can tries," we've been stopped in our tracks

"I didn't lose those 5 pounds I wanted to."
"That friendship is dying and I can't do anything about it."
"Everybody else has a baby, why can't I?"
"What marriage?"


Defeat, defeat, DEFEAT.



And although His heart is filled with compassion, He will not relent.
This is building character.
This is forming courage.
This is for His glory.



"You won't relent until you have it all.  My heart is yours." -Jesus Culture

The Curse of Comparison

I watch and listen to them when they don't know it.
They're doing it again, this comparing of self to others.
This looking at each other with hesitant eyes and nervous glances.
I hear it in the bathrooms and the hallways during the in-between times.


"Her speech was so good; I could never do that well!"


You'll never measure up.  Why even try?


"She's so beautiful; I wish I looked like that."


You're ugly.  Who would like you?


"She's like the perfect girl, you know?"


And you're not.

It's different, I've convinced myself, this position of outside-looking-in.
My window is different but I can still see the mirror.
The mirror that reflects the should-bes and the not-good-enoughs.
A distorted view in a cracked glass.
It's been cracked by the Deceiver who hammers the lies.

image credit

I watch them crumble under the weight of the lies, and my heart breaks for these sweet girls.
For I know this weight well.
I want to grab them all by their tired and worn shoulders and speak truth!

"Stop comparing yourself!!!  You are a beautiful daughter of the Most High, and He loves you more than you can possibly imagine!"


But then I realize I'd have to grab my own shoulders too.
And I'd shake hard.


"But they are only comparing themselves with each other, using themselves as the standard of measurement. How ignorant!" (2 Corinthians 10:12 NLT)

Shunning the voice of the liar and letting His sweet voice fill the vast expanse in my heart.

You are mine.  Compare yourself only to me.


"You must be holy because I am holy." (I Peter 1:16 NLT)


Not "be a good speaker because she is."
Not "be beautiful because she is."
But "be holy because He is holy."

This curse of comparison always kills.

"So set yourselves apart to be holy, for I am the LORD your God." (Leviticus 20:7 NLT)

Uncovering the Good Girl

It sits on the table, staring at me and shouting, "Hey! Pick me up!"  And every time, I cover my ears and run from the room, not ready to go there yet.  Not ready to hear its words and face the truth about this "good girl." I know what that book will do to me- it will make me uncover years of thing swept under rugs, things better left in the dark, dusty corners.  The things I don't want to remember or fix.

Who I really am is better left undiscovered.


Then this sweet friend says she'll buy the book too and we can read it together and talk about it and it will change our lives and, oh my, really?!  Am I really going to have to crack open the safe that so carefully held my secrets?  Do I really have to read it?  Am I ready?

And so, in spite of my temper tantrums and screaming, I agree.  I agree to read these words that I just know will pierce my soul and force me to stand face-to-face with the good girl living behind this smiling face of "I'm fine, how are you?"  Maybe it will be easier without having to walk alone.

Maybe?

As so perfectly predicted, the first words knock me flat on my back, all the breath pushed out.

"God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another." -William Shakespeare, Hamlet


I want to close the book and hide.


"I desperately want to manage your opinion of me."


Oh, so desperately...


"Good means I never mess up."


Well, of course it does!  Right???


"All he wants is simply you- minus your good works, minus your perfect attendance, minus your politeness."


Do I even know that person?


Thirty-seven pages have seeped into my heart and I read slow.  Deliberate.  I still want to run and hide, but He calls me back every time.  He bids me to come back and read.  This one who wants simply me asks me to come and find out who that girl is.  Who she is without the perfection and organization and to-do lists and sweet smile and always-listening.  Without the doing and performing and pleasing.

And so I turn the page, to thirty-eight, and my wary eyes begin to touch the soul-searching words...

~~~

Counting gifts today-


#375- days off to recover
#378- warm blankets
#380- Thin Mints from the freezer!
#383- emails of encouragement
#384- new books
#391- reading next to napping husband

The Rushing Ends in Nothing [Fresh Brewed Sunday]

We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. (Psalm 39:6 NLT)

Rushing.

Speeding.

Running.

Always going,

always doing,

rarely being.

Are we spending our time on things that don't really matter?

Have we replaced quality with quantity?

Have we lost ourselves in the shuffle?

Have we lost our God?

Today, take time to slow down and find Him.

He hasn't moved, you know...

Joining Barbie on this Fresh Brewed Sunday.  Won't you join us too?

Sandpaper's Grit [FMF]

Always rubbing me rough...

like gritty sandpaper that shreds skin.

This strife that falls into my peaceful world.

It brings discord, fear, confusion.

Finding my deep parts,

my hardened parts,

the parts that reveal.

Smoothing my rough places, 

the ones that need His touch.

The grit imparts pain but births beauty.

My potter is forming His clay.

He's making me fully His own, ready for service.

Proven and tried.

When everything is smooth and even,

everything that is left will be His.

A radiant vessel for His glory.

But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. (Jeremiah 18:4)

~~

Linking with The Gypsy Mama today for Five Minute Friday.

A Resounding "No"

What if the answer is no?
What if the thing I pray desperately for, beg for, and strive for will never be?
What if that thing I want more than anything isn't part of God's plan for my life?
What if the answer isn't "not yet" or "one day" but NO...


Will I sulk?
Will I run and hide?
Will I forsake faith?

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord..." (Jeremiah 29:11)


Somewhere in the midst of all the "what ifs," I find the hope I need...

What if this is what I really need?
What if what I want will bring harm?
What if my relationship with Christ requires sacrifice... more sacrifice than I had planned?


" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord..." (Jeremiah 29:11)


"My ways are higher than your ways..." (Isaiah 55:9)


Higher.
Better.
Perfect for His glory in my life.

Deep faith comes through complete trust when our grip seems too fragile.

Not Good Enough

I don't make friends easily...
I shy away from connection that brings even the slightest bit of discomfort.
Often I am running from eye contact, for fear that you will see straight into my sinful soul.
And what you'll find there, well, it probably isn't very pretty.
Fearful of your reaction, what you'll think of me, the real thoughts that won't ever escape from your lips...

When we do become friends, real and true ones, our relationship will have deep roots.
You will find loyalty from me, and it will take much to sever our ties.
I will write to you and give you warm hugs and smile big when I see you and talk to other people about how great you are.

But my inconsistency is great.
On the one hand, I desire vulnerable connection, but on the other, I stand stubborn and firm behind my wall.
Most of the time, I feel more safe hidden behind my wall than I do with you.
Convinced that I am the only one who could really know this girl and still accept her, I believe the lie that I don't really need anyone.
The bottom line is this: I am afraid to find what I really need.
Afraid of the possible pain, the betrayal that's plagued me in the past, and most of all- the critical rejection that I'm certain I will face.

When did I start believing these lies?
Oh, it was long, long ago.
Those many years ago, when I was struggling to figure out who I was...
But I let others decide for me.
Young girls who had but one agenda- themselves, and boys who gave no thought to feelings of others, only the laugh- they are the ones who taught me how to hide.
To shy away from love.
They sang their song to me day after day, the melody loud--
"You're fat."
"You're ugly."
"Why can't you just let go and have some fun?"


You are not good enough.


And I believed every word.
I lived it then.
I live it now.


The song of people long-gone from my life rings in my head and I realize I know this voice.
It's the same voice that tells me today that I'm too shy for that job or too ugly for those women or too awkward to speak to that group.
The voice is that of the serpent in the garden, not shouting, but whispering his lies.

You are not good enough.


It's the age-old song that's been slithering from his tongue for generations.

Did God really say...?


And I am Eve, standing by the Tree, wondering if he's right.
But as I stand, trying to make sense of it all, I hear another voice, much louder and sweeter than the first.
He tells me that I'm right; I am not good enough!


But He is.


I am lovely in His eyes because I am His beloved, full of grace.
The song of the deceiver screeches to a sudden halt and I am whisked away on the wings of my Savior.
He touches my face and I hear only His song now.
My heart sings harmony and I am ready to love, with a real love that can't be shaken, because it's His love.

No Saving Seats!

I am 12, and I hear those dreaded words from the mouth of the teacher.
"No saving seats!"
Immediately I enter survival mode.
Who will I sit by?
Do I need to hurry so I can be sure to find a seat?
Will anybody want to sit next to me?
My panicked eyes dart around the room, searching for a place of solace...comfort...a friend.

Fast forward 20 years, and I am still that awkward preteen, hoping for a saved seat.
Gatherings of friends and coworkers bring out the insecure girl with too-few-friends.
She shouts, even now...
Who will I have to sit by?
What if it's awkward?
What if someone wants to...talk?


And then I pick up that old gnarled stick, the one I beat myself up with...
Why don't I have more friends?
Why am I so...uncomfortable?
I'd rather just sit alone...


But God gives grace.

My phone announces a sweet message-
"Do you want me to save you a seat tonight?"
Me?  Really?!
She wants to save me a seat?
She wants to sit with me?


I don't think she realizes it, but that small gesture gave me wings.
For one night, I forgot about my nervousness.
I forgot about my lack of confidence when things get personal.

I stepped outside of my comfort zone, and I actually felt welcome there.

Gift #337 Somebody saved me a seat.


"Two are better than one..." (Ecclesiastes 4:9 NIV84)


When have someone's actions made you feel welcome?  Share your story with me!

Forced to Slow

In this sick bed, where I've been for days...

And I forced to slow...

To stop.

To be done with the hurrying and going and doing and talking and... all of it...  

Just to be...

And while slowing down is exactly the thing I find myself desiring every single day, I find myself stir-crazy and wishing for more.

Have I trained myself to mindlessly exist in the busy?  Content to go and never really stop?

Why, when I get what I think I want, do I immediately find myself wanting something else?

Maybe it's just another manifestation of this deep longing for heaven that fills my being.

This desire for more, for something never quite grasped, for something bigger.

I am small, gazing into the vast expanse of heaven, shouting to Him for come and fill me with more!

More joy.

More grace.

More of Himself.

And so I drink in the moment and seek the gifts He's given.
I savor the time to really see...

Always counting...
#363 Grace to respond with kindness
#364 Emails filled with truth at the perfect time
#366 New friendships that click from the start
#369 Trust that He's in control
#372 Calm spirit in tense situation



Linking with Ann today on my journey to 1,000.

Yet I Will Rejoice

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17-18 NIV)
~~~
Ran across these verses this week while reading through the Old Testament.  It's such a simple reminder that even if everything, our entire livelihood, disappears, we still have our God, and that is enough.  We aren't called to settle for Him, but rather to rejoice in Him!

Linking up with Barbie today for Fresh Brewed Sunday.

Twirly Skirts and Purple Shoes [FMF]

On Fridays, we write for just 5 minutes.
Today's topic is delight.
~~~

She is all eyes and smiles when I come into view.

"Tadie, wook at my shoes! Dere purple!"
"See my twirly skirt? I can twirl!  Watch me!"
"Guess what I did today at gymnastics?"

And she delights in me...
In my presences.
In sharing everything with me, even the tiniest details, about her life.

And, as usual, the Creator of the universe uses the innocent to teach the weathered and worn.
Those of us who tend to forget delight in the midst of busy.
Oh, to delight in Him and take great joy in just being in His presence!
To become wide-eyed and all smiles...
To share my day and my joys with Him...
To delight in Him...
In just being with Him.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

Because HE is the desire of my heart.
And His delight is in me, His dear daughter, twirly skirt and purple shoes included!

~~~

Consider it Joy

When the testing feels like too much, will I give in to failure?
When the rough patches skin my knees bare, will I stand up and walk away?
When He calls me to walk through the dark and scary places, will I run away in fear?
When opposition screams in my face and accusation soils my name and I'm attacked from many fronts, will I just hang my head in shame?
Run?  Blame?
Lose hope?
Sometimes I wonder...

Consider it pure joy when you face trials of various kinds...

Joy!?  Pure joy?!  How can I find joy in this?
I mean, isn't there a point at which it really does become too much to handle?
You know, that point where we look to heaven and cry out, "Why, Lord?  What is your plan here?"
But what if every experience is planned for me to make me wholly His?
What if the only way to teach me to be more like Him is for me to share in His suffering?
His shame.
His struggle.
His pain.

Because you know that the testing of your faith produces...

When He commands me to be holy as He is holy, what if He's demanding more?

perseverance


What if He's ordained my walking through the valley so I can truly learn to appreciate the majesty of the mountain?

character

The valley is dark, and it's wide, but I am not alone.
Never...
He is carrying me in His arms, whispering love into my ear,
"Remember that time we..." and "Remember those many years ago when..." and "Look how far I've brought you, my love!"
And while we walk, I am satisfied and His footing is sure, never faltering.
He tells me just to talk to Him, to tell Him all my fears and problems, because it's just us and He's all mine.
My Father snuggles me close and tells me just to rest...to breathe...to find peace.

hope.


I don't have to worry about any of it.
He is completely in control.
Completely.

"And He walks with me and He talks with me. 
And He tells me I am His own.  
And the joy we share as we tary there, 
none other has ever known." 
("In the Garden" by C. Austin Miles)

My soul finds rest in God alone; My salvation comes from Him. (Psalm 62:1)